…I mean this entire time I have been reading Chants of a Lifetime and listening to Krishna Das describe how much he loves Maharaj-ji and his devotion and (at times) his borderline infatuation with his guru, I havent understood it. Let me explain. I have understood that he felt this way, I just couldn’t grasp why. Even reading all of his wisdom through words and action, and his complete love of all his devotees. I saw the beauty that is this person, but could not feel why, why on earth Krishna Das and many other men and women were sooo devoted so willing to sit in a corner of a room just to be near him day after day after day sometimes not even hearing a single word from him and only hoping that maybe he would throw them a piece of fruit quite literally like monkeys.
Last night my husband and I got into an argument about money, our favorite topic to argue or feel discomfort about lately (in reading what I am writing I now decide to be more creative and come up i other things to argue about, hee hee just kidding) anyway, I took my book and huffed upstairs and he put on the TV and Im not sure what he did cause I was ignoring him. I fell asleep with Buddha’s words in my mind translated nicely for the westerners by Krishna Das: “Yo Monks - Stuff Don’t Work, its not supposed to work, thats why its stuff, it brings us pleasure but that doesn’t last – it has another side to it - pain – and when pains over there’s pleasure and then there’s pain – they are two side of the same coin”.
After that I fell asleep and This morning I woke up with a stiff neck. Hmmm. Louise Hay would say I’m not being flexible and not willing to look at both sides, ok I can see that about myself. So hubby and I made up and although what I really need is a chiropractic adjustment, acupuncture and some muscle therapy – limited finances will not allow that and so I went to the sofa to lay on a heating pad instead and read more.
As I began to read something started to happen, I started to feel love for Maharaj-ji. It started very subtly but as I read more and more I felt the beginning of a deep longing to know this man or rather for him to know me. As Krishna Das reminisced to me through his book I began to realize how well maharaj-ji knew others, how he could look at Krishna Das or any devotee and know what they were thinking, if they had slept well, what they needed, even what they had eaten, as Krishna Das found out one day after eating too many samosas! I began to feel a longing to be known like that by someone so holy so pure in thought and action. It reminds me in the bible where it says something like God knows everything about you, even the amount of hairs on your head. That had always perplexed me as a child, why on earth would God Want to know how many hair there were on my head? didn’t he have better things to do with his time/knowledge? what could be the possible use of that knowledge anyway? As a teenager that part of the bible simply freaked me out – I started imagining a judgemental God, one who knew everything about me, everything I did? yikes! I’m sure this slight mind control technique kept me out of a lot of trouble during those self exploration years, but I still hadn’t understood the true meaning. Until now.
What each of us truly desires is to be seen and known and not judged for what both being seen and known brings. To be fully allowed to just be as we are. This is what I am receiving from Maharaj-ji in this very moment and realizing I can also give that to myself. I don’t need to wait for someone to come along and see me and know me. In fact what I have been searching for all along may not have been for someone else to truly see me and know everything and still love me, maybe I have been waiting for Me to give this love and acceptance, knowingness and allowance all along. Krishna Das says our belief systems change in two ways – we either see someone who has it figured out and we take clues from their life, or we get to a point in our lives that it is far too painful to continue on and so we have to change. But what if both of those two opportunities are happening for me at the same time?
So here is where this knowledge comes full circle for me right now in this moment. If I am expecting someone outside myself to know me fully – know all my imperfections and just allow and accept and not judge….and I realize that underneath that I am really desiring to know myself and fully allow and accept myself …. and I also know that everyone around me, in my life is a mirror for me of things I must look at about myself…. Then I must acknowledge that the argument my husband and I got into last night is somewhat important. You see I had become a little snappy shall we say, because he was telling me the different things we need to buy with his first paycheck. He needs a new laptop to do work on since he is an outside sales man, and a shell for his car (eventually) because it will help with gas mileage, and some new shirts so he doesn’t have to wear the same dress shirt…. etc etc. I was angry because I felt like he was spending our money before we had even gotten one cent of it and after being where we have been for what seems like an eternity but has really been about 6 months, I was fearful that he was going to become frivolous with the money he was making. Even as I argued with him last night, a small part of me screamed inside…. I want to buy things too, I want to spend our money on things and feel comfortable too … Although I didn’t tell him this because I didn’t want to acknowledge that a part of me, that part of me that feels shame for even daring to think like that. I mean if I feel like that too, then have these last 8 months not taught me anything? Have I not learned that i should be more careful with my money, more responsible and save up for a rainy day? Have I just come out of a thunderstorm that uprooted my life and already imagined that another thunderstorm could never pass again? At least he was being honest about what he wanted, I couldn’t even acknowledge my real feelings. In seeing this side of myself I begin to understand why I became snappy. I was actually annoyed at myself too. more on that later I’m sure.
I am grateful for the stories I am reading in this fantastic book, it feels as though whenever I want I can open his book and its like I get private story time with Krishna Das. I get to relive his life with him and since its a book I can reread it over and over to let the moral of each story sink in. Sometimes there isn’t a moral – sometimes I read a story and its just delightful to read, and other times I read a story and have to sit with it for a while because I Know there is something more there that I need to learn about myself & Im only half way through the book !
still reading…..:)
Sharing his heart through music and chanting is the basis of Krishna Das’ own spiritual work—his way of serving the Divine within himself and others. “Chanting is a way of getting in touch with yourself. It’s an opening of the heart and letting go of the mind and thoughts. It deepens the channel of grace, and it’s a way of being present in the moment,” he says. Since 1994, the sound of his voice singing traditional Indian chants with a Western flavor has brought the spiritual experience of chanting to audiences all over the world. You can preorder Krishna’s book Chants of a Lifetime online at either HayHouse.com, BarnesandNoble.com, Amazon.com, or wherever books are sold. His book includes a free CD for personal chanting practice. More information on Krishna Das can be found at www.krishnadas.com.
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